missed out and not meant to be

Arrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! Man, is there anything more frustrating then going out for dinner, having a total hotty sit just mere feet away from you – have a little chemistry float through the air – not a ton, nothing overwhelming, but just enough to have a few glances back and fourth – and then have zero opportunity to make a connection. No window for talk, no reason to butt in and say something, no way to meet. And so the most you get out of the evening is to know that there is someone out there, that has totally peaked your interest, and the desperate and let down feeling of knowing that you never got to meet them and now they are gone, perhaps gone forever and you will never get to meet them, talk to them or taste them.

That was my night. A little din din next to some delicious young man that I never got to meet and might never and the thing that makes it tolerable is also the thing that sucks the most about this missed connection. It wasn’t meant to be.

If it was meant to be then we would have met – some funny thing might have happened causing the two tables to merge in a shared laugh, or something significant might have been overheard, giving way to an intro of mutual interest. Or best case scenario –  said gentleman just can’t bear to leave without an introduction and the words “I have to take you out for a drink” are muttered before an exchange of info coupled with excited butterflies.

But it wasn’t meant to be because none of those things, or any other amazing synchronistic incidence happened and thus my proof is in reality. That for whatever reason it wasn’t meant to pan out for me and hottness. At least not tonight.

But that’s the fun part I guess. That maybe it just wasn’t meant to be tonight. Maybe tonight is that perfect intro to another night down the road – where “Hey, wasn’t I sitting across from you at Oddfellows two weeks ago?!” can be the link from perfect stranger to perfect something more.

Of course there is always the other take . That perhaps hotty would have just been bad news for me. That instead of feeling slightly disappointed, I should be grateful. That I may have just been spared a whole truck load of hurt by just not having the opportunity to meet. Who knows. Not me. Not now at least.

rainy nights

I am in love with the way lights look on wet pavement. I was at a stop light and just had to whip out my camera to snap a few.

So pretty. It sort of inspires me to get back into creating dramatic looks with eye shadow. Not sure what those two items connect in my mind but they do. Perhaps it’s the purple and blue colour and how I used to vamp up with the eye look back in the day . Check out this pic of me last Halloween, man I think I look soooooo young there – I’ve totally matured. Anyway, don’t my eyes look like this wet pavement. Perhaps yes?!?! I’m so recreating said look for yoga tomorrow.

Sunday Family Style Dinner

So in keeping with our rotation of friendship fun, this Sunday was the first Sunday Family Style Dinners.

8 attendees and everyone pitched in and made a most marvelous meal!

Homemade tomato soups, grilled cheese sanies and my homemade pickles on the side (yes, they turned out amotheruckinmazing if I do say so myself!).

Also, I got to create my Mad Men style mini bar, and sever up some ridiculously amazing concoctions.

I had a vision yesterday while attending a halloween spiritual dance thing (don’t ask) and as I was lying on the floor, the didgeridoo being played right into my face, I thought,  “my god,  it would be absolutely marvelous to have myself a little bar stocked with Hendricks Gin, Pimm’s and a little Blueberry Vodka”. Come on – how great would it be to come in after a long hard day and walk over to my mini bar and pour myself a stiff drink, or at least a berry flavoured one – it sort of fits my running theme of being an eccentric crazy (ie: fake smoking and wearing bright lipstick with my pajamas) Which reminds me, have I ever posted this pic of me…

It’s my friend Alisons favorite of me. Or at least she likes it second best compared to this gem of a photo series. My camera has this feature where you can super impose a smile on someones face.

original

and....... with a beautiful smile

and then add other effects. Like star bursts.

and misty vintage shadows.

Really, who doesn’t need a feature like this on their camera. Genius. I think I might create a profile on eHarmony and have these as my photo’s.

ah, yeah, I am NOT getting the flu shot.

holy god, this is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. It’s a video on Dystonia, of this cheerleader that got the flu shot and 10 days later can’t even walk. If you look this stuff up, neurological disorders from the shot are all over the place including side effect and deaths from the first (or maybe ever second) Swine Flu scare in 1976 – yeah, that’s right, this isn’t new – I thought it was. How nutty.

Anyway, as I was looking into Dystonia I came across this girl, “Shaky Amy” and it just broke my heart. I’ve just spend the past 2 hours watching her youtube site.

Man, the shit people have to go through in life. Gives perspective.

casual sex

Who doesn’t love a little casual sex now and then?! Speaking of which, I was at the movies with my dad. We went to go see Couples Retreat and before I went to the show I called my friend Jen who had seen it and I was like “ah, so me and my dad are thinking of going to Couple Retreat, before I commit to this are there any scenes that I’d rather not be sitting beside him for? Because I went to see the Sex and the City movie sandwiched in between my ex boyfriends parents and it wasn’t the most comfortable time ever when Samatha is watching her next door neighbour go down on a woman while another women goes down on his ace – so if there is anything like that coming up in this movie, I’d rather not watch it with mon pere.” Anyway, she assured me that no, nothing like that was in the movie. So imagine resentment when a scene comes up where one of the men is alone in his room with brochure of a bikini clad woman and then he lifts up his shirt, places a few slices of kleenex on his stomach and then unzips and gets out the hand lotion.

Thanks Jen, you’re the best.

Anyway, back to my thought on casual sex. Yes, I’m over that phase of my life. Well, let’s just say I hope I am. My twenties in NYC certainly put a few more notches on the old bed post and no, Paris didn’t help either, but what I’d really like right now, more then anything, is just a good make out. In fact I have a friend, that says her favorite thing is French Kissing, and well, I couldn’t agree more.

I just picked up a pai thai at Nirvana on College (delish) and turns out that Nirvana on a thursday eve is quite the date central. Almost every booth was taken up by couples and in fact, as I walked to the bar to grab my order, one pair was in mid over the table lip lock. Clearly a first, second or third date. So cute and spicy. Anyway, to my eye’s delight, the bar tender happened to be amazingly good looking and I couldn’t help but fantasize that he slipped his number into my plastic take out bag. He didn’t. But I would have definitely been up for a little make out sesh with him.

up

Feeling much better! Alleluia! Lord has risen. Or at least I have, or my mood has. Been a busy little bevertron. and making sure to be present and try to enjoy myself in what I’m doing instead of rushing through it hoping for it and the day to be over. Have to go to bed asap because I have a ladies breakfast at 8am tomorrow – that I organized (why 8am, sweet god only knows) and thus I can’t be late.

So nighty night, sleep tight.

design is mine

Most amazing site for inspiration:

Design is Mine

Going to make some sort of a vision / inspiration board. Feeling pangs of inspiration.

The Guest House

Written By: Rumi Translated
By: Coleman Barks

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

great post.

Because I’m not feeling it right now, I’ll let someone else say what I wish I could…

Great post with feelings that I aspire to have again, really soon.

A Day in the Life of…

choosing to be unhappy.

I tell you – I have reeeeaaaallllllyyyyy been trying hard to get out of this rut of mild unhappiness. I just have no idea what the deal is as of late. I’m trying hard to balance out and do stuff for myself and stuff with my friends and my fam but I’m still feeling beaten down, tired and not joyful. Even writing this blog is hard. I just want to do the minimum and go watch tv or sleep. But I don’t, I do shit to try and feel better. I go and take myself out on dates (went to a book reading at the harbour front last night), I have upfront conversations and don’t shy away or let myself get pushed over or not be authentic with other people, I’m hanging out with friends as well as spending time in solitude (reading, bath time, journaling) and I just feel like I’m putting out all this effort and things aren’t significantly feeling better.

In fact I read earlier blog posts and can’t even related to who I used to be at all and it’s so frustrating. I want to punch that happier version of myself in the face when I read about how excited and joyful I was over just having made an omelette. Well I just made the exact same omelette this morning and nothing. In fact I unknowingly used a non stick pan and this mangled the shit out of it.

No orange slices to go with it, no fresh brewed coffee with hot creme.

Shit, maybe that’s it. Maybe I am shortcutting through my mini depressed frustration by trying to fix me and not getting that it’s in the process of doing all these things that I will start to feel alive again – that just treating everything I do as a means to an end is not the point and thus it’s not going to work. I’m not in the moment. I’m just waiting for things to end. Desperately hoping for this bad patch to be over. I’m bearing it and doing whatever I can to speed it up, but I’m realizing that this is only making it last longer.

I’m finding out that it’s not doing a certain laundry list of things, which I thought it was. No matter how many baths I take, spiritual books I read, yoga classes I go to, talks with myself, journal pages I write, or friend dates I have. If I am treating each of these things as a means to an end it’s about as helpful as watching a marathon of TLC shit programing (sigh, remember when TLC actually had good shows on – when TLC actually stood for “The Learning Channel” instead of the worst garbage reality tv you’ve ever seen – I mean come on, at least Fox’s reality tv is juicy and full of drama, this is just stupid ‘watch us do normal boring family stuff like make dinner or pick up dry cleaning’. Sweet god it’s awful).

At any rate, I have to get it that it’s about ENJOYING these things or at least being present for them. I can’t be in a candle lit bubble bath with soft music sitting there thinking, ‘ok, I wonder how long I have to be in here before I start to feel better.’ Not gonna happen I guess, nice try on my part though I must admit. I really did have myself going there, thought my goal oriented way of being might benefit me in the area of mental and emotional wellbeing.

Bottom line, I keep thinking external things will fix me. They won’t. It’s all internal. Then and only then will all of these external little goodies will add onto that joy.I need to really be present in what I’m doing. Be present to what I am feeling, what I want to do and to not just take the easy way out and veg out, or complain or feel sorry for myself. Shit it’s hard here. This place of depression is not fun and it does a number on your mind that’s for sure. I think I need to ask myself the tough question of what is it I’m getting out of this by choosing to stay stuck here? because it is a choice. Everything has a choice and clearly, I’ve been choosing to be frustrated and upset and unhappy.