stalking a crush

I swear the young people of today don’t know how good they have it. I remember back in the day before all this “world wide web” stuff that when you had a crush on someone you had to stalk them the old fashioned way – by doing a drive by past their house with your girlfriends and hope to God that they were unloading their hockey bag from the car at that exact 2 seconds, just so you can get a glimpse of them – at the same time, you were also hoping to God and his buddy Allah that he was not outside because he’d be like, uh, what are you doing here – don’t you live like 20 minutes away… and you would even know what to say because you’ve never even spoken to him before in your life, you just saw him at a dance once and knew his dork ass younger brother from a squash class you took at the Winter Club.

But no more! Now it’s easy and discrete. All you have to do is log on to facebook/my space/twitter and you get all the sweet dreamy pictures, updates, video’s and covert info you need to assess if the person of interest is crush worthy, has a girlfriend already or if he seems like a douche (dounchness can be determined by how many pictures he’s got of  him at a night club in a booth with some obvious hoes and a bottle of Grey Goose or Crystal in his one hand and making some kind of gang sign with the other – I mean, one pic is fine, he could have been at his buddies bachelor party, but three or more – he’s a douche, for sure).

I was laughing the other day at this because I’ve had a few crushes the past few months and obviously I can’t do a drive by at this age, hello creeepy (that kind of stalking is only allowed from ages 16 to 18) but facebook is not only a better and socially acceptable alternative for stalking, but it’s waaaaayyyyy more fun and more detailed. Plus, it’s even better because you’re friends can easily join in on the fun (note:  if their profile is closed you have to get them to log in under your name, but you knew that already, of course). Friends are necessary because they can give you that great second opinion on things that might be confusing like;

‘ok, see pic 28 of 54 – no, not the one where they are in the boat, I know I saw that one, super hot, and that other guy, I think it must be his brother – hotty too, no  hurry up, skip to 28 already – it’s that girl again, I know, like wtf, is that his girlfriend?!? His status doesn’t say in a relationship but she has been popping up in some pics since – let’s see here, the first one from what I can tell was February 17th annnnnd looks like she added it – god, she seems so possessive, like whoever you are, nice jeans, now step off my new man that doesn’t even know he’s my new man yet. Ok, let’s check his wall for more juicy clues.”  [just to note, I have NEVER actually done any of the above - um, I swear...]

Now, I must warn you, you can run into trouble with a tandem stalk because there is the risk that your partner in stalking might also develop a crush – I have heard of this before, so choose your accomplices wisely – I suggest someone already in a relationship to avoid any awkward moments. 

It wouldn’t be prudent of me to not warn you that there is the obviouse issue that can arise if you do finally have a conversation with said “mark” and you let some undercover info slip – that’s why I always suggest being up front about your night behaviors. I always tell people upfront that I’ve stalked them – in fact, when I meet people and give them my card I say, ok, you’ve got my full name now – so stalk me on Facebook! That’s what it’s there for! 

I do have a very serious note about Ex’s. Delete them as friends. It’s a world of trouble, don’t even go knocking on that door, you will regret it. Last thing you need is to see a status change to “single and looking for women” a week after your break up and a wall posting of an inside joke and new super fun pics from Slutface, whom you knew was jocking all over your man since year one. Thanks but no thanks. 

So, my ladies of the night (and yes I say ladies because when guys go this far it’s sort of wrong….), grab a beer, start up a video chat, and start FB Stalking!