getting rejected

So, um, I just got totally rejected today.

I was out for lunch with my friend Mike Mulligan today – he used to be my boss when I worked as a graphic designer and now we get together every once in a while for a catch up session and to talk marketing and business. Anyway, I was telling him about this hot date I had on Thursday night – I went into the whole backstory of how we new each other from way back in the day, our history, the fun little syncronicities of reconnecting over the past while and of course how the date went and that I was really excited for him to call. 

Anyway, just as we were discussing, my phone buzzed and I happily grabbed it hoping that it was going to be that call that I was waiting for aaaaaalllll weekend long – but instead of a call it was a text, and instead of it saying, ‘hey, had a great time – let’s do it again’ – it said,something along the lines of, ‘hey had a great time, but I’m no interested in getting into anything, hope we can be friends.’ I passed the phone to Mike, he read it, looked at me and sighed. Then I said, “Um, I think I’m going to cry, is that ok?”

His response was yeah, of course you can, but for 5 minutes.  I didn’t really cry.  Ok, yeah I did. Who am I kidding, and I would have cried a lot more should I not have been in a restaurant and in front of my old boss. In that moment I just felt so fucking stupid. I felt stupid for everything; stupid for wasting so much time stressing about him calling, stupid for being so excited, stupid for thinking things went well, stupid for getting tricked by the universe into liking someone else that just wasn’t going to work out, stupid for not being good enough or whatever the reason is he’s not into me and mostly, stupid for being so upset that it was only five days and I was already so wrapped up that I’d fucking cry about it.

Of course when I said this to Mike and his response was that, no, of course it’s fine to cry and be upset because it’s about everything – a whole long tale of things that lead up to this moment.  First off it’s not what I wanted. I wanted things to work, of course I did otherwise what’s the point, second, it was bit of a surprise and third it just sucks that someone you’re into isn’t into you and you can’t even be mad at them becuase they didn’t do anything at all wrong, it’s just they aren’t that into you and that’s it (and as a side bar I have to say that I am so so so thankful that this guy was upfront and honest with me –  it’s soooo much better then be strung along, I’ve been through that enough and so I am grateful that he was an actual man about it (which in a sick kind of way now makes me want him even more…) but fuck, it stings and even more – it’s this whole long line of heartbreak in my life that comes flooding back along with all the potential of what I want to have but don’t yet. 

And so I was told by Mike that I was allowed to be sad for 5 minutes and then I had to say ‘fuck it’. Not because he wanted to switch the subject but because that’s just what you have to do – say fuck it and move on with it. Which he actually made me say out loud at the table. Then he also said something that made me feel even better which was that I have to remember that the universe is plotting to do me good everyday. It’s something that I know, but I just forget. So really when I look at it that way, even though it still seems disappointing and makes me sad (even hours later), I have to just say ‘fuck it, the universe is doing me a favour – I don’t get it and I’m not happy about it, but ok, it knows what’s best for me and is looking out for me. always.’

So fine, I’m trusting in the universe, hell, it did give me one of the best people ever to be having lunch with while I got the message (literally) but I am still a little pissed at it and so, it did owe me a Super Kid ice cream for making me have a crush on someone that didn’t like me back….