being ok with being alone

I’ve been listening to Eckart’s A New Earth while I’ve been here (I had it in print but I think it’s an easier book to take in via audio – actually, it’s been incredible, I’ve been going to amazing museums, sitting in front of masterpieces of inspiration and creation and soaking in the words there – so insane…). Anyway, the book is really hitting home finally. It’s taken me about 6,000 years to get into this book and it’s perfect that I’m finally tackling it now (in fact he even says that if you have a hard time with it then you’re just not ready for it yet. Guess I’m ready now). I’m here and every identification of my life that I had is stripped away – where I live, what I do, who my friends are, what I have – it’s all different here – I’ve living a completely different life and it’s working, in fact it’s thriving. 

This has given me tons of confidence in myself and also tons of confidence in the universe. I find that I’m having more of those really nice warm confronting moments of being with “inner” self more often then I did at home – it’s like that feeling where you maybe have going through something really hard and you’ve cried your eyes out and for just for a split second you find some quiet and calm and comfort and in the same instance you get this really intense feeling of hope and that things are really ok and you well up with emotion…. 

I’ve been having lots of those moments. I’ll be on the metro and thinking about things and I’ll just have this intense feeling of really getting things. I understand and be ok with that fact that I am alone. Totally and utterly alone, forever. And it’s ok, because I have me. I’ll always have me, I’m not ever leaving and even thought I’ve abandoned myself one trillion times before (for whatever; men, ambition, jealousy, anxiety, promiscuity, procrastination) – I will always be safe knowing I haven’t gone very far and I can always come back to myself. Well, not too far that I can’t come back – but I have to admit it’s so hard to sometimes find myself. 

I feel like for the two and a half years I was with my ex, and then the two and a half years before that with my other ex, and so on… I was no where in sight and I kept trying to find myself in him or other external things rather then in me. But it’s so hard NOT to do that, even now, I want love. I feel like if I found the ‘one true love’ that I’d be able to hang on to that above mentioned inspired hopefully feeling longer then just a few fleeting seconds, but it’s not true. 

I know it’s not and my poor little ego is so sad about that. She wants to be in love. She wants someone to come and complete her – and I feel like my true self is like ‘hey, I totally get it. It’s really difficult to stay here and see how much better it feels to just be here with me and face that you are always going to be alone and even though it seems like finding someone else and being in love will solve that but it won’t, baby girl. This is where it is, with me – where you’re going to feel the best and what it’s all about, so just keep sticking with me and listening to the guidance I give you and the cues and syncronicities from the universe and it will get easier to always feel this…”. 

So that’s what I’m trying to do and it is better but shit, it’s sooooo hard. I can feel myself frantically hanging on to this belief, I’m breaking nails clawing on to it – desperately arguing with myself and the universe for it not to be the truth. I want to just find my soul mate and everything will be fine. I’ve been waiting so long and trying so hard and suffering through broken heart after broken heart for this. I feel like it just has to work out. Like I have to find him and then I won’t ever feel sad or scared or anything bad ever again. He has to exist because I need someone to take away all my disappointments and fear and regret and help me my best self. 

But even as I write this and the tears stream down my face, I know it’s not true. I know that being in love with someone is not the ultimate thing. That it doesn’t solve anything that in fact having this belief and going into a relationship only makes things horrible. That the only thing a relationship should and can bring me is a fun partner to experience things with – that they make a great pillow to fall asleep on, that we can have breakfasts and dinner with, that they an be an amazing friend to me – but that they aren’t a substitute for me and I can’t cling to them. That I have to first be utterly in love with myself and be complete with just me and then only from that place of security and dignity can I then I can truly be in love with anyone and everyone else.

I want this false belief and imbalanced way of living to fall away, not only because it isn’t reality but because it comes along with a disappointing and sometimes desperate feeling. Maybe just recognizing it as false is the first step – seeing it for what it is – a fantasy. I want reality. And whenever I accept reality and go inward instead of outward I find that life unfolds perfectly, completely independent of me (or my ‘not real me’ – ‘my fantasy indulging, stubborn ego me’ that is…).

As long as I don’t interfere with my true self and what I know is best for me and I do what is right for me (even though they might be harder to do but I know my intuition is pushing me) then I’ll be ok – in fact, better then ok. I’ve found that if I put in the effort to push myself and risk being uncomfortable that I get rewarded and I find more comfort in that then I would have if I didn’t – plus something unexpected, magical and kickass usually happens too.  

For example, I was being pulled into fantasy land the other night and thus feeling low, so instead of staying in and complaining to my friends or feeling sorry for myself for being alone, having no friends and wishing I had a lover, I pulled it together and took my french homework to this amazingly cute little bar and sat by myself and enjoyed a glass of Kir Royal. I wrote out my verbs, sipped my drink and enjoyed the atmosphere. I indulged in the aloneness. I sat on my bar stool and took pleasure that no else on the planet knew where I was except me and this experience was all mine. I was all I needed in that moment. I think accepting and appreciating this made the universe be like, ‘amazing kiddo, good job, you got the point – here’s a little gift of fun for you for such a job well done!” 

Just then this spritely young chap clinked his Heineken bottle to my glass of champagne and struck up a conversation. He spoke a little english (well lot more English then my French) and started correcting my homework for me. Soon enough a few more of his friends showed up and they asked if I wanted to go dancing with them. Long story short, I stumbled in at 6am – having danced up a storm at a Paris bar followed up by visiting one of Paris’ famous pubs with their ‘fuck you’ attitude – where they serve drinks till they feel like it and everyone smokes inside (something illegal now here).

The following day I joined my other friend and took a tour of Montmartre (where Amelie was filmed) and then met up with my new friends from the night before for a picnic along the bank of the Seine  River (a dream of mine! See Paris – A To Do List) and then we all went for dinner at a near by restaurant at midnight. I had creme brulee for the first time and ate frgs legs – they were delicious actually! I was treated with such warmth and inclusion. We all walked home together and one girl gave me a history lesson on my neighbourhood. It was honestly such a good time, I couldn’t more grateful for those experiences. 

But it is a struggle, even today, it’s raining and the thought of being the one kissing in the corner of the cafe like the couple across from me is so appealing to that part of me that wants it, but I gotta just keep going with what works and what works is well, dating myself.